By Crystal Hexamer
A few weeks ago, my husband and I had a disagreement.I wanted to spend some good quality time together and he just wasn’t up for it. He wanted to relax. I felt rejected, blown off, and hurt. I didn’t press it but was still thinking about it the next day.
We had fallen into this pattern
And I wanted to stay connected and could tell something was troubling him. The next morning, I outlined my concerns and waited for a response from him. I told him that I didn’t feel important to him; I was worried that he was not sharing with me what was going on in his head, and that he just seemed distant to me. He revealed to me that he was unaware of my feelings, and it was the first time he was hearing or thinking about them. He needed time to process. So, he asked if we could talk later. I agreed to speak again when we were both calm and had time to think.
I approached him that evening, and he wasn’t ready yet. He said he felt like whatever he would say would be wrong and that whatever he was doing was not enough.
He needed more time before he could constructively express what he was feeling.
I started thinking about everything that was said and the thoughts and feelings I was having. I started to ask myself questions like, why am I upset? Why isn’t he ready to talk yet?
The next day
I journaled my feelings to figure out what was really bothering me. It only took minutes to write several pages of what he did to upset me. We have been through several big challenges lately. Caring for parents, dealing with the aftermath of losing parents, settling estates, sicknesses, and much more. It was difficult to figure out what was a relational issue and what was a result of the things going on around us.
I started to pray.
The Lord took me back through the list I so easily wrote out. I then heard in my spirit, a still small voice, “Are you sure you’ve forgiven him of these things? And I realized quickly there were things I thought I had forgiven but still bothered me. I prayed and released those things to the Lord and asked Him to help me forgive and to help me understand the disconnect between us.
Then I heard this
“What story are you telling yourself? What things do you tell yourself daily? Would you say those things you say about yourself to a friend, your husband or your children?” And I concluded that no, I would not say some of the things I tell myself to anyone else. They were horrible. So, I asked myself, what story are you telling yourself?
I was saying things like …
- He doesn’t really want to hear that
- You are boring him
- He doesn’t care about you
- Don’t bother him with your stuff
- Don’t be so needy
- If you were more attractive, he would want you around.
How much of the narrative of the last few days came from my husband, and how much of it came from me filling in the blanks for him based on how I feel about myself? Is it what he thinks about me or what I think about me? Just because I think these thoughts about me doesn’t mean he does. I had been projecting my thoughts as his thoughts. And that is when it hit me! We had been writing two different stories.
He heard, “You aren’t doing enough”, and I heard, “I am not wanted.” Neither of which was true.
When we talked that night, we realized how our communication had broken down and how we were filling in the blanks for each other. We talked about how important it is, no matter what is happening around us, to communicate what we need. We had to quit writing each other’s story.
What are you telling yourself daily?
Are there things lingering that you still need to forgive yourself or others?
Whose story are you writing? Are you filling in blanks?
"Take Control of Your Mind and Close the Door to those Negative, Depressing, Fearful, Worrisome Thoughts Forever."
Do you struggle with thoughts of shame or guilt, feeling burdened, lost, and overwhelmed? Maybe you believe you are stuck in a pit and can’t get out, and even worse you believe you deserve to be there.
I understand, because I was once there too! I wrote my book “Your Thoughts are Killing You” in order to share this message—God wants the best for you, and He has the means to get you there!